THE MISCONCEPTION OF LOVE AMONG YOUTHS

IBIYEMI VICTOR AKINWALE

Our present society is replete with paradoxes, misconceptions and contradictions. In every aspect of life, societal folks try to bring out new meanings from traditional ways of life by forming some form of antithesis to bring out seeming synthesis which would be the principle for future living. In that logical provision for the principles that we will depend on in the nearest future, there are strands of misconceptions, illogical rationality, false premises and indispensible rash, unreasonable, unsound conclusions. In the final analysis therefore, there are plethora of falsity and colossal misapprehension. This gigantic mishap ranges from the theoretical parlances down to practical relationships amongst modern folks. Hence, evil ideas and acts take on a picturesqueness that is very attractive but inherently untrue; only the wise and deep-reflective individuals might perceive the filthiness of modern thought processes and decisions. There is an evolution of concepts that define positive-evils and others try to water-down wholesome concepts with irrelevant meanings and depictions. Our focus today is therefore an exploration of one of such concepts that have worn different interpretations in the current dispensation forgetting its actual meaning, root and usage.

Philosophically, a concept defines a worldview and Ludwig Wittgenstein rightly argued that the limitedness of my concepts portrays the limitedness of my vision- this is somewhat true! It therefore becomes very important that concepts and ideologies be distinctively defined, in order to effect a more corresponding practicality to the prescribed concept. We must note too that the gap between the conceptual world and the practical effect is seemingly brought close noting the fact that a concept has a social value that regulates the definition of interaction in the community.

What is therefore Love? What is the social usage of the word today? And what exactly should be our own understanding and definition of that word? These questions and related quandaries will stir the course of our discussion this day. And an application of what will be heard will be mostly advantageous to the correction of the misconception of love in our society.                      

A WORLD OF LOVE AND THE MEANINGLESSNESS OF ITS MEANING

It is paradoxical and enigmatic to say that we live in love even in the world but we are divorced of its meaning and hence, the word even though it has a meaning has lost that meaning making it meaningless just another sound that comes from the mouth. Because it takes a social meaning that is different from the meaning it should wear- that meaning is meaningless, there must therefore be a correction of what should be understood.

To be straight forward, what we refer to as love is lust! And that distinction must be distinctively made, because there is actually a thin line between if it must be lived appropriately.  

Everybody uses the word LOVE but it is more prevalent among the youths, who want to express in an utmost echelon the idea of a feeling amongst themselves. This has led therefore to some definitions of love by the youths themselves, some have become experts in the processes of LOVE, some have bagged degrees in love even when they have not gone to any University of love. Some have sayings on love that they display on 2go, Facebook, twitter as Pms, Dps and messages. Some even organize coaching or extra lessons on love and friendship! What a pity! Some die of love, some get sick for love, some scrabble for love and others hate love! What is all this about love?  

The first problem in the misconception of the word Love lies in its etymology. The English word LOVE is a lump of four major Greek ideas. In the Greek derivation of the English Love, there are four different words with different meanings which English has lumped together in LOVE. These are the four ideas lumped together in the English word LOVE. The first Greek word is Epithemia which is desire with the connotation of lust-sexual love. Eros is the drive toward union with others which bring self-fulfillment. Philia is affectionate love such as that in the family. Agape is total dedication and devotion to the welfare of others.[1] So what is love?

WHAT IS LOVE?

According to Google in 2012 the most searched phrase was the question: “what is love?” In an attempt to get to the bottom of the question once and for all, the Guardian has gathered writers from the fields of science, psychotherapy, literature, religion and philosophy to give their definition of the much-pondered word.

The physicist: 'Love is chemistry' (Jim Al-Khalili is a theoretical physicist and science writer)

Biologically, love is a powerful neurological condition like hunger or thirst, only more permanent. We talk about love being blind or unconditional, in the sense that we have no control over it. But then, that is not so surprising since love is basically chemistry. While lust is a temporary passionate sexual desire involving the increased release of chemicals such as testosterone and oestrogen, in true love, or attachment and bonding, the brain can release a whole set of chemicals: pheromones, dopamine, norepinephrine, serotonin, oxytocin and vasopressin. However, from an evolutionary perspective, love can be viewed as a survival tool – a mechanism we have evolved to promote long-term relationships, mutual defense and parental support of children and to promote feelings of safety and security.

The psychotherapist: 'Love has many guises' (Philippa Perry is a psychotherapist and author of Couch Fiction)

Unlike us, the ancients did not lump all the various emotions that we label "love" under the one word. They had several variations, including:

Philia which they saw as a deep but usually non-sexual intimacy between close friends and family members or as a deep bond forged by soldiers as they fought alongside each other in battle. Ludus describes a more playful affection found in fooling around or flirting. Pragma is the mature love that develops over a long period of time between long-term couples and involves actively practicing goodwill, commitment, compromise and understanding. Agape is a more generalized love; it's not about exclusivity but about love for all of humanity. Philautia is self-love, which isn't as selfish as it sounds. As Aristotle discovered and as any psychotherapist will tell you, in order to care for others you need to be able to care about yourself. Last, and probably least even though it causes the most trouble, eros is about sexual passion and desire. Unless it morphs into philia and/or pragma, eros will burn itself out. Love is all of the above. But is it possibly unrealistic to expect to experience all six types with only one person. This is why family and community are important.

The philosopher: 'Love is a passionate commitment'(Julian Baggini is a philosopher and writer)

The answer remains elusive in part because love is not one thing. Love for parents, partners, children, country, neighbour, God and so on all have different qualities. Each has its variants – blind, one-sided, tragic, steadfast, fickle, reciprocated, misguided, unconditional. At its best, however, all love is a kind of a passionate commitment that we nurture and develop, even though it usually arrives in our lives unbidden. That's why it is more than just a powerful feeling. Without the commitment, it is mere infatuation. Without the passion, it is mere dedication. Without nurturing, even the best can wither and die.

The romantic novelist: 'Love drives all great stories' (Jojo Moyes is a two-time winner of the Romantic Novel of the Year award)

What love is depends on where you are in relation to it. Secure in it, it can feel as mundane and necessary as air – you exist within it, almost unnoticing. Deprived of it, it can feel like an obsession; all consuming, a physical pain. Love is the driver for all great stories: not just romantic love, but the love of parent for child, for family, for country. It is the point before consummation of it that fascinates: what separates you from love, the obstacles that stand in its way. It is usually at those points that love is everything.

The nun: 'Love is free yet binds us' (Catherine Wybourne is a Benedictine nun)

Love is more easily experienced than defined. As a theological virtue, by which we love God above all things and our neighbours as ourselves for his sake, it seems remote until we encounter it enfleshed, so to say, in the life of another – in acts of kindness, generosity and self-sacrifice. Love is the one thing that can never hurt anyone, although it may cost dearly. The paradox of love is that it is supremely free yet attaches us with bonds stronger than death. It cannot be bought or sold; there is nothing it cannot face; love is life's greatest blessing.

WHAT IS LOVE? BY DEBORAH ANAPOL, Ph.D. on November 25, 2011 (Excerpted from The Seven Natural Laws of Love, by Deborah Anapol and appears by permission of the publisher.)

Love is a force of nature. However much we may want to, we cannot command, demand, or disappear love, any more than we can command the moon and the stars and the wind and the rain to come and go according to our whims. We may have some limited ability to change the weather, but we do so at the risk of upsetting an ecological balance we don't fully understand. Similarly, we can stage a seduction or mount a courtship, but the result is more likely to be infatuation, or two illusions dancing together, than love.

Love is bigger than you are. You can invite love, but you cannot dictate how, when, and where love expresses itself. You can choose to surrender to love, or not, but in the end love strikes like lightening, unpredictable and irrefutable. You can even find yourself loving people you don't like at all. Love does not come with conditions, stipulations, addendums, or codes. Like the sun, love radiates independently of our fears and desires.

Love is inherently free. It cannot be bought, sold, or traded. You cannot make someone love you, nor can you prevent it, for any amount of money. Love cannot be imprisoned nor can it be legislated. Love is not a substance, not a commodity, nor even a marketable power source. Love has no territory, no borders, no quantifiable mass or energy output.

One can buy sex partners and even marriage partners. Marriage is a matter for the law, for rules and courts and property rights. In the past the marriage price, or dowry, and in the present alimony and the pre-nuptial agreement, make it clear that marriage is all about contracts. But as we all know, marriages, whether arranged or not, may have little enough to do with love.

Love cannot be turned on as a reward. It cannot be turned off as a punishment. Only something else pretending to be love can be used as a lure, as a hook, for bait and switch, imitated, insinuated, but the real deal can never be delivered if it doesn't spring freely from the heart.

This doesn't mean that love allows destructive and abusive behaviors to go unchecked. Love speaks out for justice and protests when harm is being done. Love points out the consequences of hurting oneself or others. Love allows room for anger, grief, or pain to be expressed and released. But love does not threaten to withhold itself if it doesn't get what it wants.

Love cares what becomes of you because love knows that we are all interconnected. Love is inherently compassionate and empathic. Love knows that the "other" is also oneself. This is the true nature of love and love itself cannot be manipulated or restrained. Love honors the sovereignty of each soul. Love is its own law.

TYPES OF LOVE: THE SIX (FOUR, THREE) LOVES

C.S Lewis treats Love under four categories (the highest does not stand without the lowest), based in part on the four Greek words for love: affection, friendship, eros, and charity. Lewis states that just as Lucifer- a former archangel-perverted himself by pride and fell into depravity, so too can love-commonly held to be the arch-emotion-become corrupt by presuming itself to be what it is not.

There are six types of love (though some have reduced this to three, four even five) they are: Eros, Pragma, Banquet, Mania, Ludus and Storge. Though they sound like exotic birds or rivers in Greece, but they actually refer to various ways people think about the big LOVE.

EROS (ἔρως )is passionate, physical, lustful love- the kind that gives you butterflies in your stomach and a tingling in certain other places. It is based on strong feelings toward another. It usually occurs in the first stages of a man-woman “romantic” relationship. The weakness with this type of love is obvious. It is based more on "self-benefit", of what can benefit you rather than the other person. This is "I love you because it feels good, and makes ME happy loving you." See? The keyword is the word "ME". When that person doesn't "feel happy" anymore in loving that person, she/he is led to believe that she/he has "fallen out of love". Actually, there was never "true love" in the first place. The fact is, love by feelings alone cannot be called "true love" simply because they do not know each other that much yet.

PRAGMA is a practical love. People who conceive of love this way are pragmatic (you didn't see that one coming, didja?) when looking for a partner. They choose their mate based on rational decisions about whom they fit best with.

BANQUET is love that expresses itself through altruism, or making sacrifices for another person. This is the highest type of love; it is called Agape or unconditional love. Agape love is above philos love and eros love if the category of love is reduced to three. It is a love that is totally selfless, where a person gives out love to another person even if this act does not benefit her/him in any way. Whether the love given is returned or not, the person continues to love (even without any self-benefit). Charity (agapē, ἀγάπη) is the love that brings forth caring regardless of the circumstance. Lewis recognizes this as the greatest of loves, and sees it as a specifically Christian virtue.

MANIA is an obsessive love that, while intimate and intense, often includes jealousy, possessiveness and a lack of communication. Maniacal love can lead to domestic violence.

LUDUS is love that's a game. A Ludic lover wants to have fun, but doesn't necessarily want a serious relationship.

STORGE - στοργή is friendship-based love. A Storge lover wants a companion who shares her likes and dislikes and who can form a long relationship based on closeness, trust, security and affection. Affection (storge, στοργή) is fondness through familiarity (a brotherly love), especially between family members or people who have otherwise found themselves together by chance. It is described as the most natural, emotive, and widely diffused of loves: natural in that it is present without coercion; emotive because it is the result of fondness due to familiarity; and most widely diffused because it pays the least attention to those characteristics deemed "valuable" or worthy of love and, as a result, is able to transcend most discriminating factors. It also called Philos (φιλία) love - a love based on friendship between two people. It is true that two lovers that start out by being friends first before becoming partners usually are the relationships that last more, long-term. Friendship is the foundation of a successful relationship. This is true whether it is marriage, or boyfriend-girlfriend, relationship betweeen family members, relationship with co-workers, employer, etc.

SUMMARY INTO THREE: Therefore, Philos is a higher type of love than Eros. Philos love is a mutual, "give-and take" relationship, while Eros love is a self-based, form of love that is more concerned with the "self" or self-benefit. However, the highest type is agape love which is not human at all, but divine - God's unconditional love for us, His children and which we must emulate.

LUST AS THE MODERN MISCONCEPTION OF LOVE

Love is an intense feeling of affection and care towards another person. It is a profound and caring attraction. On the other hand, lust is a strong desire of a sexual nature.

Lust is a strong sexual desire. Lust is an altered state of consciousness programmed by the primal urge to procreate. Lust is an emotion or feeling of intense desire in the body. Lust can take any form such as the lust for knowledge, the lust for sex or the lust for power. It can take such mundane forms as the lust for food as distinct from the need for food. Lust is a powerful psychological force producing intense wanting for an object, or circumstance fulfilling the emotion. (Wikipedia).

Lust is considered by Catholicism to be a disordered desire for sexual pleasure, where sexual pleasure is "sought for itself, isolated from its procreative and unitive purposes". In Catholicism, sexual desire in itself is good, and is considered part of God's plan for humanity. However, when sexual desire is separated from God's love, it becomes disordered and self-seeking. This is seen as lust. In Roman Catholicism, lust became one of the Seven Deadly Sins.

Being in love doesn't exclude lust. In fact, lust can lead to love. However, real love, not based on idealization or projection, requires time to get to know each other.  

SYMPTOMS: LOVE: Faithfulness, loyalty, confidence. Willingness to make sacrifices for another. Working at settling differences. Able to compromise so that either both win or at least give the other person's opinion a chance. LUST: Desire, passion, acquisitiveness, intense emotions

SIGNS OF LUST

You're totally focused on a person's looks and body.

You're interested in having sex, but not in having conversations.

You'd rather keep the relationship on a fantasy level, not discuss real feelings.

You want to leave soon after sex rather than cuddling or breakfast the next morning.

You are lovers, but not friends.

SIGNS OF LOVE

You want to spend quality time together other than sex.

You get lost in conversations and forget about the hours passing.

You want to honestly listen to each other's feelings, make each other happy.

He or she motivates you to be a better person.

You want to get to meet his or her family and friends.

LUST AS THE SEED OF THE ABERRATIONS OF SEX

Lust is about possession and greed. The Christian faith is about selflessness and is marked by holy living (Romans 6:19, 12:1-2; 1 Corinthians 1:2, 30, 6:19-20; Ephesians 1:4, 4:24; Colossians 3:12; 1 Thessalonians 4:3-8, 5:23; 2 Timothy 1:9; Hebrews 12:14; 1 Peter 1:15-16). It is totally against the Christian ideal. Lust makes us craze for useless things and it is the bed rock of Homosexuality, Lesbianism, bestiality, Pedophilia, Transexualism and others. Lust is therefore a blind towards the actualization of real love; in fact, it is an irrational expression of love which needs to be streamlined in the pursuit of true love.

AUTHENTIC LOVE: THE MARRIAGE OF THE DIFFERENT TIERS OF LOVE

Listen to the complaints of one young lady:

“I was flattered when he wanted to be with me all the time. I felt so special when he told me he couldn’t live without me. Now, I see how possessive he is. He wants to be with me all the time, not because he loves me so much but because he wants to control me.”

“When he called me many times a day, I felt like he was the most loving person, caring not only about me but also about who I was with and what I was doing. Now, I see how jealous he is. He didn’t trust me unless he knew where I was every moment of every day. It feels so yucky to me now.”

”He’d frequently give me advice about “life.” It could be politics, business, finances, how to talk with others, who to hang out with. It felt good to listen to him. He seemed so knowledgeable, so worldly. I liked that he was teaching me so much. Now, I see that he needs to give me “advice” about everything because he wants me to do things his way.”

So, now that she recognizes what his “loving” behavior was all about, does she break off the relationship? No way. Why? Because even though he becomes enraged when he doesn’t know where she is, sulky when she doesn’t listen to his “advice,” irked when she’s chatting with others on the phone, she still loves him.

Really? What kind of love is this where she is miserable most of the time – crying about how he treats her, afraid of being criticized for what she did (or didn’t do), worried about what mood he’ll be in when she next sees him. Does this sound like a loving relationship?

Love is a word that is bandied around a lot and has many different meanings. Here are three of them:

Romantic love is marinated in fantasy. Excitement rules the day. You are walking on air. He can do no wrong. You are the luckiest woman on earth. Nothing will ever come between the two of you.

But, alas, infatuation does not stand the test of time. As it wanes, either a couple breaks up (“that was a great love affair”) or it develops into seasoned love.

Seasoned love is marinated in caring, respect, trust and empathy. Differences are respected. Conflicts are worked out. Individuality is respected. Love grows deeper. Love grows stronger.

And then there is addictive love.

Addictive love is marinated in desperation. You feel you cannot live without this person. You need him to feel complete. Though you no longer feel good about yourself like you did when you were “infatuated with him,” you, nevertheless, feel you can’t leave him.

“But I love him” has become your mantra. Despite rarely enjoying being with him, you love him. Despite being constantly criticized, you love him. Despite crying about insults you’ve received, you love him. Despite being afraid of his anger, you love him.

Clearly, addicted love does not listen to logic. It does not respect reason. It does not give credence to other people’s counsel. Despite your self-worth hitting a new low, you don’t leave the relationship. Just like a drug addict, you cannot give up your drug of choice.

So what mixture would be apt for love-building among youths?

LOVE, FAMILY LIFE AND BUILDING FRIENDSHIP  

The experience of authentic love will entail a proportionate blending of the four elements (dimensions of love). The Epithemia which is desire with the connation of lust-sexual love. The Eros is the drive toward union with others which bring self-fulfillment. The philia is affectionate love such as that in the family. And agape which is total dedication and devotion to the welfare of others.[2] Without a proper blend of the four major dimensions of love, there will be crises in family life and in the building of relationships.

JESUS AS THE MODEL OF LOVE: THE CHRISTIAN TAKE ON LOVE

What are we? Christians right? Because we are Christians, we have a model of love just as other religions have their models of love too- the Hindus, Buddhists, Taoists, Confucits and others. Our model of Love is Jesus who is the author and the perfecter of our faith (Hebrews, 4: ). All of Jesus’ moral teaching is concentrated in the one commandment of love which in itself is a dualism; the love of God and the love of neighbour. (Mark 12:28-34, Matthew 22:34-40, Luke 10:25-28)The two are inseparable, for the love of God is expressed in the love of neighbour and vice-versa (1 Jn 4:20).   

More importantly, the Gospel of St. John and his letters too depict perfectly what the Christ-love is all about. It is an unselfish love for “the other”. It is a love that is represented in the acronym OBI (others before I) and not IBO (I before others). It is a “dying love” whereby the lover will do everything to keep the other alive even if it means dying to keep the other alive. Christian love is rooted in the whole life, death, and resurrection of Christ. Christian love is the same self-giving, even to the point of crucifixion. “No one has greater love than this, to lay down one’s life for one’s friends” (John 15:13). 

St Paul takes it deeper by giving us the characteristics of love in his hymn of love in 1 Cor. 13:4-8:  Love is patient, kind, without envy. It is not boastful or arrogant. It is not ill-mannered, nor does it seek its own interest. Love is not provoked to anger; keeps no score of offences. It does not take delight in wrong, but rejoices in truth. Love excuses al things, believes all things, hopes all things and endures all things. Love never ends.  

WHAT LOVE CAN DO

1.       LOVE CAN IMPROVE YOUR HEALTH

Love can be good for your health. If you are married in the long term you will suffer from less depression and live significantly longer than those who are single, divorced or widowed. But to get the full health benefits, you have to pick the correct partner, argues Dr Raj Persaud in Simply Irresistible, the Psychology of Seduction.

2.      BAD LOVE

Choose the wrong partner and you could be in trouble. Research suggests that an unhappy marriage raises your chances of developing clinical depression by around 30 per cent. Women who divorce are 60 per cent more likely to get heart disease in later life than those who stay married, according to research from Texas University.

3.      LOVE IS BLIND

Scientists have discovered that certain parts of the brain become deactivated when we're in love, including areas linked with negative emotions, planning, critical social assessment, the evaluation of trustworthiness and fear.

4.      WHAT BECOMES OF THE BROKEN-HEARTED?

Death rates rise significantly after the death of a spouse. In one of the largest scientific studies of its kind, the Population Research Unit at the University of Helsinki found that mortality rates were more than three times higher for men compared to women.

For both genders they are at their highest during the first week after the death of the spouse, and then they drop slowly but steadily during the following six months. The unit also found that the number of people dying as a result of blocked arteries around the heart rose dramatically after the death of a spouse.

5.      LOVE HURTS, LITERALLY

Dr Helen Fisher and her team gave MRI scans to 17 people who were happy in love and 15 who had been rejected in love. The latter had been brokenhearted for an average of 63 days. In this group, they found activity in a region of the brain called the nucleus accumbens, which has a high number of dopamine receptors. "It suggests that when you have been dumped you love that person more," says Dr Fisher. Activity was also found in parts of the brain associated with risk-taking, physical pain, obsessive-compulsive behaviour, controlling anger and theory of mind - imagining what the other person is thinking.

6.      DEATH BY MARRIAGE

If the stress of arranging a wedding doesn't kill you, there is a higher-than-average chance of keeling over immediately after you've got hitched. For both men and women mortality rates rise in the period just after the wedding day, according to a recent survey of over 12,000 German adults.

The stress of a new situation may be a factor, as well as a profound change in living circumstances. "Marriage is often associated with a geographic move for at least one partner," says Dr Persaud. "The spouse who moved may have had to cut emotional networks and change social interaction patterns and daily routines. However, after two years, the research suggests, married partners adapt to their new life and the mortality rate starts to improve compared to unmarried people."

'Till death do us part” promise.

CONCLUSION: A WORLD WITHOUT LOVE

Could there be a world without love? Obviously no! it therefore suggests that love is a conditio-sine-qua-non for relationship in the society. In fact, it is a natural feeling that we even have for others in communities and indeed the entire world. However, we must no misconceive love as something that is selfish and pragmatic, as something that is only sexual and exploitative, as something that is mundane and only physical. Love transcends such proclivities. To love is to give everything.  Erich Fromm summarizes it when he made a distinction between immature and mature love. “Immature love says, “I love you because I need you” And Mature love says, “I need you because I love you.” Thus, love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get — only with what you are expecting to give — which is everything. Let me conclude with the words of  C. S. Lewis in his book The Four Loves: “There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket — safe, dark, motionless, airless – it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.

LET US THEN LOVE AND NOT LUST

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[1] Mcbrien p 937-938

[2] Mcbrien p 937-938