IBIYEMI VICTOR AKINWALE
Our present society is replete
with paradoxes, misconceptions and contradictions. In every aspect of life,
societal folks try to bring out new meanings from traditional ways of life by
forming some form of antithesis to bring out seeming synthesis which would be
the principle for future living. In that logical provision for the principles
that we will depend on in the nearest future, there are strands of
misconceptions, illogical rationality, false premises and indispensible rash, unreasonable, unsound conclusions. In the final analysis therefore, there
are plethora of falsity and colossal misapprehension. This gigantic mishap
ranges from the theoretical parlances down to practical relationships amongst
modern folks. Hence, evil ideas and acts take on a picturesqueness that is very
attractive but inherently untrue; only the wise and deep-reflective individuals
might perceive the filthiness of modern thought processes and decisions. There
is an evolution of concepts that define positive-evils
and others try to water-down wholesome concepts with irrelevant meanings and
depictions. Our focus today is therefore an exploration of one of such concepts
that have worn different interpretations in the current dispensation forgetting
its actual meaning, root and usage.
Philosophically, a concept
defines a worldview and Ludwig Wittgenstein rightly argued that the limitedness
of my concepts portrays the limitedness of my vision- this is somewhat true! It
therefore becomes very important that concepts and ideologies be distinctively
defined, in order to effect a more corresponding practicality to the prescribed
concept. We must note too that the gap between the conceptual world and the
practical effect is seemingly brought close noting the fact that a concept has
a social value that regulates the definition of interaction in the community.
What is therefore Love? What
is the social usage of the word today? And what exactly should be our own
understanding and definition of that word? These questions and related
quandaries will stir the course of our discussion this day. And an application
of what will be heard will be mostly advantageous to the correction of the
misconception of love in our society.
A
WORLD OF LOVE AND THE MEANINGLESSNESS OF ITS MEANING
It is paradoxical and
enigmatic to say that we live in love even in the world but we are divorced of
its meaning and hence, the word even though it has a meaning has lost that
meaning making it meaningless just another
sound that comes from the mouth. Because it takes a social meaning that is
different from the meaning it should wear- that meaning is meaningless, there
must therefore be a correction of what should be understood.
To be straight forward, what
we refer to as love is lust! And that distinction must be distinctively made,
because there is actually a thin line between if it must be lived
appropriately.
Everybody uses the word LOVE
but it is more prevalent among the youths, who want to express in an utmost echelon
the idea of a feeling amongst themselves. This has led therefore to some
definitions of love by the youths themselves, some have become experts in the
processes of LOVE, some have bagged degrees in love even when they have not
gone to any University of love. Some
have sayings on love that they display on 2go, Facebook, twitter as Pms, Dps and messages. Some even
organize coaching or extra lessons on love and friendship! What a pity! Some
die of love, some get sick for love, some scrabble for love and others hate
love! What is all this about love?
The first problem in the
misconception of the word Love lies
in its etymology. The English word LOVE
is a lump of four major Greek ideas. In the Greek derivation of the English Love, there are four different words
with different meanings which English has lumped together in LOVE. These are
the four ideas lumped together in the English word LOVE. The first Greek word is
Epithemia which is desire with the connotation of
lust-sexual love. Eros is the drive
toward union with others which bring self-fulfillment. Philia is affectionate love such as that in the family. Agape is total dedication and devotion
to the welfare of others. So what
is love?
WHAT
IS LOVE?
According to Google in 2012 the most searched phrase was the question: “what is
love?” In an attempt to get to the bottom of the question once and for all, the
Guardian has gathered writers from
the fields of science, psychotherapy, literature, religion and philosophy to
give their definition of the much-pondered word.
The physicist:
'Love is chemistry'
(Jim Al-Khalili is a theoretical physicist and science writer)
Biologically, love is a powerful
neurological condition like hunger or thirst, only more permanent. We talk
about love being blind or unconditional, in the sense that we have no control
over it. But then, that is not so surprising since love is basically chemistry.
While lust is a temporary passionate sexual desire involving the increased
release of chemicals such as testosterone and oestrogen, in true love, or
attachment and bonding, the brain can release a whole set of chemicals:
pheromones, dopamine, norepinephrine, serotonin, oxytocin and vasopressin.
However, from an evolutionary perspective, love can be viewed as a survival
tool – a mechanism we have evolved to promote long-term relationships, mutual
defense and parental support of children and to promote feelings of safety and
security.
The
psychotherapist: 'Love has many guises' (Philippa Perry is a psychotherapist and
author of Couch Fiction)
Unlike us, the ancients did not lump all
the various emotions that we label "love" under the one word. They
had several variations, including:
Philia which they saw as a deep but
usually non-sexual intimacy between close friends and family members or as a
deep bond forged by soldiers as they fought alongside each other in battle. Ludus describes a more playful affection
found in fooling around or flirting. Pragma
is the mature love that develops over a long period of time between long-term
couples and involves actively practicing goodwill, commitment, compromise and
understanding. Agape is a more generalized
love; it's not about exclusivity but about love for all of humanity. Philautia is self-love, which isn't as
selfish as it sounds. As Aristotle discovered and as any psychotherapist will
tell you, in order to care for others you need to be able to care about
yourself. Last, and probably least even though it causes the most trouble, eros is about sexual passion and desire.
Unless it morphs into philia and/or pragma, eros
will burn itself out. Love is all of the above. But is it possibly unrealistic
to expect to experience all six types with only one person. This is why family
and community are important.
The
philosopher: 'Love is a passionate commitment'(Julian Baggini is a philosopher and
writer)
The answer remains elusive in part
because love is not one thing. Love for parents, partners, children, country,
neighbour, God and so on all have different qualities. Each has its variants –
blind, one-sided, tragic, steadfast, fickle, reciprocated, misguided,
unconditional. At its best, however, all love is a kind of a passionate
commitment that we nurture and develop, even though it usually arrives in our
lives unbidden. That's why it is more than just a powerful feeling. Without the
commitment, it is mere infatuation. Without the passion, it is mere dedication.
Without nurturing, even the best can wither and die.
The romantic
novelist: 'Love drives all great stories' (Jojo Moyes is a two-time winner of the
Romantic Novel of the Year award)
What love is depends on where you are in
relation to it. Secure in it, it can feel as mundane and necessary as air – you
exist within it, almost unnoticing. Deprived of it, it can feel like an
obsession; all consuming, a physical pain. Love is the driver for all great
stories: not just romantic love, but the love of parent for child, for family,
for country. It is the point before consummation of it that fascinates: what
separates you from love, the obstacles that stand in its way. It is usually at
those points that love is everything.
The nun: 'Love
is free yet binds us' (Catherine
Wybourne is a Benedictine nun)
Love is more easily experienced than
defined. As a theological virtue, by which we love God above all things and our
neighbours as ourselves for his sake, it seems remote until we encounter it
enfleshed, so to say, in the life of another – in acts of kindness, generosity
and self-sacrifice. Love is the one thing that can never hurt anyone, although
it may cost dearly. The paradox of love is that it is supremely free yet
attaches us with bonds stronger than death. It cannot be bought or sold; there
is nothing it cannot face; love is life's greatest blessing.
WHAT IS LOVE?
BY DEBORAH ANAPOL,
Ph.D. on November 25, 2011 (Excerpted from The
Seven Natural Laws of Love, by Deborah Anapol and appears by permission of
the publisher.)
Love is a force
of nature.
However much we may want to, we cannot command, demand, or disappear love, any
more than we can command the moon and the stars and the wind and the rain to
come and go according to our whims. We may have some limited ability to change
the weather, but we do so at the risk of upsetting an ecological balance we
don't fully understand. Similarly, we can stage a seduction or mount a
courtship, but the result is more likely to be infatuation, or two illusions
dancing together, than love.
Love is bigger
than you are.
You can invite love, but you cannot dictate how, when, and where love expresses
itself. You can choose to surrender to love, or not, but in the end love
strikes like lightening, unpredictable and irrefutable. You can even find
yourself loving people you don't like at all. Love does not come with
conditions, stipulations, addendums, or codes. Like the sun, love radiates
independently of our fears and desires.
Love is
inherently free.
It cannot be bought, sold, or traded. You cannot make someone love you, nor can
you prevent it, for any amount of money. Love cannot be imprisoned nor can it
be legislated. Love is not a substance, not a commodity, nor even a marketable
power source. Love has no territory, no borders, no quantifiable mass or energy
output.
One can buy sex partners and even
marriage partners. Marriage is a matter for the law, for rules and courts and
property rights. In the past the marriage price, or dowry, and in the present
alimony and the pre-nuptial agreement, make it clear that marriage is all about
contracts. But as we all know, marriages, whether arranged or not, may have
little enough to do with love.
Love cannot be
turned on as a reward.
It cannot be turned off as a punishment.
Only something else pretending to be love can be used as a lure, as a hook, for
bait and switch, imitated, insinuated, but the real deal can never be delivered
if it doesn't spring freely from the heart.
This doesn't mean that love allows
destructive and abusive behaviors to go unchecked. Love speaks out for justice
and protests when harm is being done. Love points out the consequences of
hurting oneself or others. Love allows room for anger, grief, or pain to be
expressed and released. But love does not threaten to withhold itself if it
doesn't get what it wants.
Love cares what
becomes of you
because love knows that we are all
interconnected. Love is inherently compassionate and empathic. Love knows
that the "other" is also oneself. This is the true nature of love and
love itself cannot be manipulated or restrained. Love honors the sovereignty of
each soul. Love is its own law.
TYPES
OF LOVE: THE SIX (FOUR, THREE) LOVES
C.S Lewis treats Love under
four categories (the highest does not stand without the lowest), based in part
on the four Greek words for love: affection,
friendship, eros, and charity.
Lewis states that just as Lucifer- a former archangel-perverted himself by
pride and fell into depravity, so too can love-commonly held to be the
arch-emotion-become corrupt by presuming itself to be what it is not.
There are six types of love
(though some have reduced this to three, four even five) they are: Eros, Pragma, Banquet, Mania, Ludus and Storge. Though they sound like exotic
birds or rivers in Greece, but they actually refer to various ways people think
about the big LOVE.
EROS (ἔρως )is passionate, physical,
lustful love- the kind that gives you butterflies in your stomach and a
tingling in certain other places. It is based on strong feelings toward
another. It usually occurs in the first stages of a man-woman “romantic”
relationship. The weakness with this type of love is obvious. It is based more
on "self-benefit", of what can benefit you rather than the other
person. This is "I love you because it feels good, and makes ME happy
loving you." See? The keyword is the word "ME". When that person
doesn't "feel happy" anymore in loving that person, she/he is led to
believe that she/he has "fallen out of love". Actually, there was
never "true love" in the first place. The fact is, love by feelings
alone cannot be called "true love" simply because they do not know
each other that much yet.
PRAGMA is a practical love. People
who conceive of love this way are pragmatic (you didn't see that one coming,
didja?) when looking for a partner. They choose their mate based on rational
decisions about whom they fit best with.
BANQUET is love that expresses
itself through altruism, or making sacrifices for another person. This is the
highest type of love; it is called Agape or unconditional love. Agape love is above philos love and eros love if the category of love is reduced to three. It is a love
that is totally selfless, where a person gives out love to another person even
if this act does not benefit her/him in any way. Whether the love given is
returned or not, the person continues to love (even without any self-benefit).
Charity (agapē, ἀγάπη) is the love that brings forth
caring regardless of the circumstance. Lewis recognizes this as the greatest of
loves, and sees it as a specifically Christian virtue.
MANIA is an obsessive love that,
while intimate and intense, often includes jealousy, possessiveness and a lack
of communication. Maniacal love can lead to domestic violence.
LUDUS is love that's a game. A
Ludic lover wants to have fun, but doesn't necessarily want a serious
relationship.
STORGE - στοργή is friendship-based
love. A Storge lover wants a companion who shares her likes and dislikes and
who can form a long relationship based on closeness, trust, security and
affection. Affection (storge, στοργή) is fondness through familiarity (a brotherly
love), especially between family members or people who have otherwise found
themselves together by chance. It is described as the most natural, emotive,
and widely diffused of loves: natural in that it is present without coercion;
emotive because it is the result of fondness due to familiarity; and most
widely diffused because it pays the least attention to those characteristics
deemed "valuable" or worthy of love and, as a result, is able to
transcend most discriminating factors. It also called Philos (φιλία) love - a
love based on friendship between two people. It is true that two lovers that
start out by being friends first before becoming partners usually are the
relationships that last more, long-term. Friendship is the foundation of a
successful relationship. This is true whether it is marriage, or
boyfriend-girlfriend, relationship betweeen family members, relationship with
co-workers, employer, etc.
SUMMARY INTO
THREE: Therefore,
Philos is a higher type of love than
Eros. Philos love is a mutual, "give-and take" relationship,
while Eros love is a self-based,
form of love that is more concerned with the "self" or self-benefit.
However, the highest type is agape love which is not human at all, but divine -
God's unconditional love for us, His children and which we must emulate.
LUST
AS THE MODERN MISCONCEPTION OF LOVE
Love is an
intense feeling of affection and care towards another person. It is a profound
and caring attraction. On the other hand, lust is a strong desire of a sexual
nature.
Lust is a strong sexual
desire. Lust is an altered state of consciousness programmed by the primal urge
to procreate. Lust is an emotion or feeling of intense desire in the body. Lust
can take any form such as the lust for knowledge, the lust for sex or the lust
for power. It can take such mundane forms as the lust for food as distinct from
the need for food. Lust is a powerful psychological force producing intense
wanting for an object, or circumstance fulfilling the emotion. (Wikipedia).
Lust is considered by Catholicism to be
a disordered desire for sexual pleasure, where sexual pleasure is "sought
for itself, isolated from its procreative and unitive purposes". In
Catholicism, sexual desire in itself is good, and is considered part of God's
plan for humanity. However, when sexual desire is separated from God's love, it
becomes disordered and self-seeking. This is seen as lust. In Roman
Catholicism, lust became one of the Seven Deadly Sins.
Being in love doesn't exclude
lust. In fact, lust can lead to love. However, real love, not based on
idealization or projection, requires time to get to know each other.
SYMPTOMS: LOVE: Faithfulness, loyalty, confidence. Willingness to make
sacrifices for another. Working at settling differences. Able to compromise so that
either both win or at least give the other person's opinion a chance. LUST:
Desire, passion, acquisitiveness, intense emotions
SIGNS OF LUST
You're totally focused on a person's
looks and body.
You're interested in having sex, but not
in having conversations.
You'd rather keep the relationship on a
fantasy level, not discuss real feelings.
You want to leave soon after sex rather
than cuddling or breakfast the next morning.
You are lovers, but not friends.
SIGNS OF LOVE
You want to spend quality time together
other than sex.
You get lost in conversations and forget
about the hours passing.
You want to honestly listen to each
other's feelings, make each other happy.
He or she motivates you to be a better
person.
You want to get to meet his or her
family and friends.
LUST
AS THE SEED OF THE ABERRATIONS OF SEX
Lust is about possession and
greed. The Christian faith is about selflessness and is marked by holy living
(Romans 6:19, 12:1-2; 1 Corinthians 1:2, 30, 6:19-20; Ephesians 1:4, 4:24;
Colossians 3:12; 1 Thessalonians 4:3-8, 5:23; 2 Timothy 1:9; Hebrews 12:14; 1
Peter 1:15-16). It is totally against the Christian ideal. Lust makes us craze
for useless things and it is the bed rock of Homosexuality, Lesbianism,
bestiality, Pedophilia, Transexualism and others. Lust is therefore a blind
towards the actualization of real love; in fact, it is an irrational expression
of love which needs to be streamlined in the pursuit of true love.
AUTHENTIC
LOVE: THE MARRIAGE OF THE DIFFERENT TIERS OF LOVE
Listen to the complaints of one young lady:
“I was flattered when he wanted to be
with me all the time. I felt so special when he told me he couldn’t live
without me. Now, I see how possessive he is. He wants to be with me all the
time, not because he loves me so much but because he wants to control me.”
“When he called me many times a day, I
felt like he was the most loving person, caring not only about me but also
about who I was with and what I was doing. Now, I see how jealous he is. He
didn’t trust me unless he knew where I was every moment of every day. It feels
so yucky to me now.”
”He’d frequently give me advice about
“life.” It could be politics, business, finances, how to talk with others, who
to hang out with. It felt good to listen to him. He seemed so knowledgeable, so
worldly. I liked that he was teaching me so much. Now, I see that he needs to
give me “advice” about everything because he wants me to do things his way.”
So, now that she recognizes what his
“loving” behavior was all about, does she break off the relationship? No way.
Why? Because even though he becomes enraged when he doesn’t know where she is,
sulky when she doesn’t listen to his “advice,” irked when she’s chatting with
others on the phone, she still loves him.
Really? What kind of love is this where
she is miserable most of the time – crying about how he treats her, afraid of
being criticized for what she did (or didn’t do), worried about what mood he’ll
be in when she next sees him. Does this sound like a loving relationship?
Love is a word that is bandied around a
lot and has many different meanings. Here are three of them:
Romantic love is marinated in fantasy.
Excitement rules the day. You are walking on air. He can do no wrong. You are
the luckiest woman on earth. Nothing will ever come between the two of you.
But, alas, infatuation does not stand
the test of time. As it wanes, either a couple breaks up (“that was a great
love affair”) or it develops into seasoned love.
Seasoned love is marinated in caring,
respect, trust and empathy. Differences are respected. Conflicts are worked
out. Individuality is respected. Love grows deeper. Love grows stronger.
And then there is addictive love.
Addictive love is marinated in desperation.
You feel you cannot live without this person. You need him to feel complete.
Though you no longer feel good about yourself like you did when you were
“infatuated with him,” you, nevertheless, feel you can’t leave him.
“But I love him” has become your mantra.
Despite rarely enjoying being with him, you love him. Despite being constantly
criticized, you love him. Despite crying about insults you’ve received, you
love him. Despite being afraid of his anger, you love him.
Clearly, addicted love does not listen
to logic. It does not respect reason. It does not give credence to other
people’s counsel. Despite your self-worth hitting a new low, you don’t leave
the relationship. Just like a drug addict, you cannot give up your drug of
choice.
So what mixture would be apt for
love-building among youths?
LOVE,
FAMILY LIFE AND BUILDING FRIENDSHIP
The experience of authentic
love will entail a proportionate blending of the four elements (dimensions of
love). The Epithemia which is desire
with the connation of lust-sexual love. The Eros
is the drive toward union with others which bring self-fulfillment. The
philia is affectionate love such as that in the family. And agape which is total dedication and
devotion to the welfare of others. Without
a proper blend of the four major dimensions of love, there will be crises in
family life and in the building of relationships.
JESUS
AS THE MODEL OF LOVE: THE CHRISTIAN TAKE ON LOVE
What are we? Christians
right? Because we are Christians, we have a model of love just as other
religions have their models of love too- the Hindus, Buddhists, Taoists,
Confucits and others. Our model of Love is Jesus who is the author and the
perfecter of our faith (Hebrews, 4: ). All of Jesus’ moral teaching is
concentrated in the one commandment of love which in itself is a dualism; the
love of God and the love of neighbour. (Mark 12:28-34, Matthew 22:34-40, Luke
10:25-28)The two are inseparable, for the love of God is expressed in the love
of neighbour and vice-versa (1 Jn 4:20).
More importantly, the Gospel
of St. John and his letters too depict perfectly what the Christ-love is all
about. It is an unselfish love for “the other”. It is a love that is
represented in the acronym OBI (others before I) and not IBO (I before others).
It is a “dying love” whereby the lover will do everything to keep the other
alive even if it means dying to keep the other alive. Christian love is rooted
in the whole life, death, and resurrection of Christ. Christian love is the
same self-giving, even to the point of crucifixion. “No one has greater love
than this, to lay down one’s life for one’s friends” (John 15:13).
St Paul takes it deeper by
giving us the characteristics of love in his hymn of love in 1 Cor. 13:4-8: Love is
patient, kind, without envy. It is not boastful or arrogant. It is not
ill-mannered, nor does it seek its own interest. Love is not provoked to anger;
keeps no score of offences. It does not take delight in wrong, but rejoices in
truth. Love excuses al things, believes all things, hopes all things and
endures all things. Love never ends.
WHAT
LOVE CAN DO
1. LOVE
CAN IMPROVE YOUR HEALTH
Love can be good for your health. If you
are married in the long term you will suffer from less depression and live
significantly longer than those who are single, divorced or widowed. But to get
the full health benefits, you have to pick the correct partner, argues Dr Raj
Persaud in Simply Irresistible, the
Psychology of Seduction.
2. BAD
LOVE
Choose the wrong partner and you could
be in trouble. Research suggests that an unhappy marriage raises your chances
of developing clinical depression by around 30 per cent. Women who divorce are
60 per cent more likely to get heart disease in later life than those who stay
married, according to research from Texas University.
3. LOVE
IS BLIND
Scientists have discovered that certain
parts of the brain become deactivated when we're in love, including areas
linked with negative emotions, planning, critical social assessment, the evaluation
of trustworthiness and fear.
4. WHAT
BECOMES OF THE BROKEN-HEARTED?
Death rates rise significantly after the
death of a spouse. In one of the largest scientific studies of its kind, the
Population Research Unit at the University of Helsinki found that mortality
rates were more than three times higher for men compared to women.
For both genders they are at their
highest during the first week after the death of the spouse, and then they drop
slowly but steadily during the following six months. The unit also found that
the number of people dying as a result of blocked arteries around the heart
rose dramatically after the death of a spouse.
5. LOVE
HURTS, LITERALLY
Dr Helen Fisher and her team gave MRI
scans to 17 people who were happy in love and 15 who had been rejected in love.
The latter had been brokenhearted for an average of 63 days. In this group,
they found activity in a region of the brain called the nucleus accumbens,
which has a high number of dopamine receptors. "It suggests that when you
have been dumped you love that person more," says Dr Fisher. Activity was
also found in parts of the brain associated with risk-taking, physical pain,
obsessive-compulsive behaviour, controlling anger and theory of mind -
imagining what the other person is thinking.
6. DEATH
BY MARRIAGE
If the stress of arranging a wedding
doesn't kill you, there is a higher-than-average chance of keeling over
immediately after you've got hitched. For both men and women mortality rates
rise in the period just after the wedding day, according to a recent survey of
over 12,000 German adults.
The stress of a new situation may be a
factor, as well as a profound change in living circumstances. "Marriage is
often associated with a geographic move for at least one partner," says Dr
Persaud. "The spouse who moved may have had to cut emotional networks and
change social interaction patterns and daily routines. However, after two
years, the research suggests, married partners adapt to their new life and the
mortality rate starts to improve compared to unmarried people."
'Till death do us part” promise.
CONCLUSION:
A WORLD WITHOUT LOVE
Could there be a world
without love? Obviously no! it therefore suggests that love is a conditio-sine-qua-non
for relationship in the society. In fact, it is a natural feeling that we even
have for others in communities and indeed the entire world. However, we must no
misconceive love as something that is selfish and pragmatic, as something that
is only sexual and exploitative, as something that is mundane and only
physical. Love transcends such proclivities. To love is to give
everything. Erich Fromm summarizes it
when he made a distinction between immature and mature love. “Immature love says, “I love you because
I need you” And Mature love says, “I
need you because I love you.” Thus, love has nothing to do with what you are
expecting to get — only with what you are expecting to give — which is
everything. Let me conclude with the words of
C. S. Lewis in his book The Four
Loves: “There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable.
Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken.
If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no
one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little
luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of
your selfishness. But in that casket — safe, dark, motionless, airless – it
will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable,
irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy,
is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe
from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.
LET
US THEN LOVE AND NOT LUST
